LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

#05 - Listening has been described as the JUDO of communication skills - it's gentle, flexible, and REALLY powerful.  Good listening skills are essential to being a good leader.  listen!  It's the highest complement you can pay to another person.

Transcript

Hello again, Team 412 Cohort 2!  Cohort - that’s a funny word.  I always think of Caesar’s legions when I hear Cohort, but it’s a term used more frequently now to describe a select group of people – and that’s YOU!  And you’re special – Cohort 2 members.  Just think - nobody else will be able to claim that title.

I’m so glad you’re here for this special Episode #5 about LISTENING.  Listening is a topic we’ve touched on before, but we’re going to take a little more in-depth approach in this episode.  Listening is such an essential part of being a good leader.  You’ll get some good tips and skills to practice in this episode, and a few just for fun.  So, let’s get started!

LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN!  That’s what I do.  As a conductor, I had to learn to listen carefully to the ensemble in front of me, listening intently for tone, energy, phrasing, change in pitch and tempo so I could help the ensemble perform more musically.  This is a compIex skill, and it takes several years and lots of practice to learn it.  I used those same skills in coaching, as I listened to the client’s voice for tone, energy, inflection, changes in pitch and tempo so that I could reflect what I heard back to the client, to help him or her understand what the client wanted to communicate, and to help them learn to listen better to their teams.  You can learn SO MUCH by listening, REALLY listening!

Listening has been described as the JUDO of communication skills – it’s gentle, flexible, and REALLY powerful.  It’s important to remember that people LIKE being listened to, and that being listened to helps your team feel more engaged with their work.

I’ve mentioned this before, but it needs to be repeated:  A research study of one million employees in over 2,000 organizations revealed that only 1 in 3 people responded favorably when asked how well their company listens to them.  You heard that right – One in Three.  That’s not a passing score, is it?  Let’s ask ourselves what OUR listening score would be.

Good listening skills are essential to being a good leader.  Paying attention and actively appreciating others increases their trust in you.  The key here is that if others know YOU care about them, they’re much more likely to care about YOU.

Kouzes and Posner, authors of The Leadership Challenge, devoted over 20 pages of their landmark book to the importance of listening.  Here are just three of their highlights:

Listen Deeply to Others – we don’t have all the answers and we can’t do it alone.  We need to listen carefully to what’s being said and what’s implied, and we must pay attention to subtle clues, reflecting back to the team or to individuals what they say they most want to accomplish.

Listen First – and Often – Focus your attention on others on your team as you listen.  Hearing and listening are two different things.  We hear all the sounds around us – music, noise, conversations – whatever vibrations our ears receive.  When we listen, we not only hear but we pay attention.  Being a good listener makes YOU more open-minded and more credible.

Listen, Listen, Listen! - Good leaders spend more time listening than leading.  It’s also true that people listen more attentively to those who listen to them.  So what’s the message for YOU?   Stop talking and start listening more at meetings.  How much do YOU talk?  How much do you LISTEN?  If you find that you tend to dominate conversations, you may be implying that you don’t value other people’s contributions. 

Let’s take a look at some different styles of listening.  There are several different styles that describe how most of us listen to others.  Where do you find yourself in the following list of styles?

·      Distracted Listening  - I don’t call this a good type of listening at all, but it’s what happens a lot of the time, sad to say.  It’s when you say you are listening to others, but you’re really focused on something else.  Some call it multi-tasking.  I call that nonsense.  Multi-tasking just doesn’t work.  What does this really say to the person who wants your attention:  “Go ahead, I’m listening…” while you’re obviously focused on something else.

·      Competitive Listening – this is when we feel we are competing for the spotlight of the conversation.  We listen for a break so we can start talking (which really means we are not listening;  we’re like that bad actor waiting to say his or her memorized lines, no matter what the other actor is saying).  We are thinking what to say next, rather than really listening to what the other person is saying.  We interrupt or talk over the other person – I see and hear this happening all the time.  The effect of this type of listening is that we insist on making OUR point rather than making an effort to understand theirs.

·      Active Listening – occurs when we actively check for understanding.  We listen closely and attentively, then restate or paraphrase what we heard, reflecting back to the other person, so we can correct OUR assumptions, if needed.  This lets the other person know that he or she is being heard and acknowledged.  It’s a powerful type of listening.

·      Engaged Listening – this is one of the highest and most intense forms of listening.  We listen closely and attentively, but we also are listening for nuances and unspoken meaning or inflections from the other person.  If we were speaking in person, we would also rely on body language to help us understand the deeper meanings of the spoken conversation – a gesture, facial expression, a nod of the head.  On the phone, we must listen for verbal cues – voice tone, speed, intensity, pitch variation, energy level – all of those and more!  More recently, video conferences have taken the place of some in-person meetings.  The good part about that is we can take advantage of both visual and verbal cues.  And you sure can tell when someone is distracted!

So – where do YOU fit in here?  Are you a Competitive listener?  A Passive listener? An Active listener?  Chances are you fall a little short of engaged listening a good share of the time.  You aren’t alone, my friend.  Many people don’t listen well these days.  When asked about their listening habits, many admit to “half-listening” or “thinking about other things” or “preparing what to say next” or “wanting to fixit and move on.”  We don’t practice good listening habits, and we don’t have many good examples to learn from.

One of the best (or I should say WORST) examples of bad listening is a panel of experts on a TV news show.  The moderator poses a question or situation, and then the panelists all try to outdo or out-talk one another with their expert opinions about whatever the topic is.  Everyone talks, and no one listens.  One of the good things about socially-distanced panels is that each person is separated from the others and only one person can talk at one time.  And the control room can always turn off the mic.

Another famous story about bad listening is attributed to President Teddy Roosevelt.  Tired of the meaningless but polite “how-do-you-do?” type of remarks in a long receiving line, Roosevelt started saying to each person he greeted, “I murdered my grandmother this morning,” and people would nod, say something nice but meaningless, and move on.  One diplomat who really was listening replied to Mr. Roosevelt with a chuckle, “And I’m sure the old gal had it coming to her!”  Be careful what you say – someone may really be listening!

Well, we could talk all day about examples of BAD listening – it’s all around us, and sometimes it IS us!  Let’s go back to ENGAGED listening.  ENGAGED listening is taking place when we understand both the SPOKEN meaning and the UNSPOKEN meaning of what others communicate to us.  We must – LISTEN …CLARIFY … REFLECT … and LISTEN some more.

Engaged Listening isn’t easy.  We must practice receiving rather than broadcasting.  We must turn off our filters and really LISTEN to what the other person is telling us.  I’m saying WE here because this is something that requires constant practice – and I need to remind myself always to listen better.  Here are some phrases you can use, or questions you can ask to help develop your skill as a listener:

·      Say more about that – it asks for more information, and invites a response in an open, non-judgmental way.

·      I’m hearing some resistance about that – this helps call attention to what YOU hear, and invites the person to clarify or to say more about what they are resisting

·      How important is this to you? – this question must be asked in a caring, supportive manner, not accusatory.  It asks for explanation, for clarity, and is non-judgmental.

·      I’m hearing more confidence in your voice – this tells the person you noticed a positive shift in their energy level, and openly invites them to talk more about their feelings around the task or project.

There is another very intense, very deep form of listening.  I’m not sure what to call it – but it involves hearing with your eyes, and seeing with your ears.  Now that sounds crazy, but it is a very intense form of listening, and it is very difficult to master.  Think about what an orchestra conductor does.  The conductor has to study the musical score thoroughly before that first rehearsal with the ensemble.  The conductor must look at the notes printed on the page, and hear in his mind what the sound will be when the orchestra plays.  That’s “hearing with your eyes.”   And when a sound is heard, the conductor can visualize the notes being played.  That’s “seeing with your ears.”  

You can do this, too.  For example, look at a sentence in a letter or email, and try to hear what’s written in the voice of the writer.  Or listen to the words of a song and try to visualize how those words would look on paper.  That’s a good start.

Engaged and intensive listening must also include some listening in perspective.  If you are listening to several viewpoints, where do you gain the perspective of the whole of the discussion?  Here’s an example:

An interesting book, Maestro, by Roger Nierenberg, tells a surprising story about a business executive who learned about listening from an orchestra conductor.  The executive visited several orchestra rehearsals and heard what the orchestra sounded like by sitting in the viola section, then the horns, then the double basses.  Obviously, he heard clearly what each section sounded like.  When the CEO was invited to stand on the podium by the conductor, the CEO heard the whole orchestra from an entirely different perspective.  He heard the whole, glorious sound of the full orchestra, not just the parts.  Now, what effect might this have on the whole company if the CEO listened to his people as carefully and as intently as the conductor listened to the orchestra?  Think about this:  How would YOUR work as a leader be enriched by YOUR careful and intent listening to YOUR team members?  LISTEN!  It’s the highest compliment you can pay to another person.

Here are a few tips and suggestions for practice.  WARNING:  These are not one-shot tasks.  Becoming a good listener, a careful and intent listener, takes a lot of practice.  But I believe you’ll find these well worth your time and effort.

There are many suggestions on how to develop and improve your listening skills.  Let’s focus on the ones that seem to be the most essential to developing good listening skills:

·      Avoid distractions or interruptions.  That’s hard to do these days, but it’s a MUST!  Silence your cell phone.  Step away from your computer.  Ignore that pile of papers on your desk.  Avoid doodling or tapping your pen.  Whatever it takes, resist the urge to look elsewhere or do anything else while you listen.  

·      Give the person who is speaking your undivided attention.  Notice the person’s voice, behavior, body language, gestures in addition to the words they’re saying.

·      Let the person know you are listening intently with visual cues such as eye contact, a nod of the head, or short verbal affirmations.

·      Turn off your internal filters and listen openly and without judgment.  Keep an open mind about what the person is telling you.  Rather than offering your opinion, just listen intently and receive openly what is said.

·      Clarify your understanding of what’s being said by asking open-ended questions, or paraphrase what was said and ask if you understood the person’s viewpoint correctly.

And here are some things to practice, just for fun:

1.      In your Workbook, there is a page with two columns.  One column is titled “When I listen, I …”  and the other column is titled “When I don’t listen, I …”  As you go through a typical day, jot down what you notice.  No right or wrong, no judgment – just notice what is happening when you listen or when you don’t, and jot it down.  After a couple of days, take a look at what you’ve written down.  What do you notice?

2.      At the next gathering you attend, or maybe your next video conference,  WATCH a conversation from a polite distance.  No, don’t eavesdrop, don’t try to listen in – just WATCH.  Practice “hearing with your eyes.”  Notice who is speaking, and how well others are listening.  What style of listening do you observe?  What do you observe about good listening habits, or about poor ones?  Again, no right or wrong, and no judgment.  Just OBSERVE.

3.      What’s up with this listener?  If you were talking with this person and got a response similar to these examples, how would you feel?  Which of these are examples of good listening?

a.       No, that’s not the way it happened.  It was John who said that we …

b.      I know just what you mean.  Why, only last week, Mary and I were talking, and she said …

c.       You said that the team agreed to take on this project.  Did I hear you correctly?

d.      That sounds very interesting.  What else can you tell us about the project?

If you chose examples c and d as good examples, you passed!  Examples a and b are all too typical, and they are not examples of good listening.  They tend to happen a lot, unfortunately, but they won’t if we all work to become better listeners!

Leaders must be excellent listeners, especially Leaders Who Serve.  Engaged listening takes lots of practice, and it is one of the highest compliments you can pay to another person.  Here’s wishing you good listening!

Here are three questions for you to think about and answer just for yourself.  These, as well as a couple more, are in your workbook, so just listen to them now and think about your answers:

1.      Think of a time when you felt really well listened to.  How did that make you feel?

2.      How would you describe yourself – right now – as a listener?

3.      What part of Engaged Listening do you most need to work on?

Coming up in the next episode are SMART goals, those goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely or Time-related.  Where do SMART goals appear in our church teams and ministries?  Good question – anyone know the answer?  Maybe there’s some room for improvement here.  I’m looking forward to the next episode, aren’t you?

Take care, my friend, and stay safe and well…and good listening to you!